I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
