You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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