dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
