I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
