his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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