everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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