she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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