I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
