im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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