Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
