Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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