in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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