dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
