he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
