I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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