do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
