I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
