I hate all girls vehemently.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
