We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
