i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
