He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
