call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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