Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
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All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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