I cannot find my penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
