i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
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I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
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My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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