When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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