You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
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We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
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My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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