I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
