I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
