the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
