My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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