nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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