Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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