why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
