I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
