Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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