I will die if light touches me.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
