also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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