Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
