I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
