At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
