How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
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her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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