Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
