There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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