If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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