I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize