If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
