guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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