Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...