Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
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you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
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I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.