i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
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