I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation