hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.