Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
vagina is talking i cant
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
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