I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
25 People Confess The Most Awkward Situation They’ve Ever Been In
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
These Are 21 Of The Most Delusional People Ever
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night