i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
