I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
