Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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