she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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