So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
