I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
