I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
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Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
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I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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