so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Holy sore nipples Batman
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
