I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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