All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Too much gin, very little bucket
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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