I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
