Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
