my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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